Normal

Today, I feel normal.

These past few days, I had been sick. My doctor says i had pneumonia which is  probably due to a weak immune system caused by  bad habits, sleepless  nights, stress, and  emotional imbalances. But today is different because for the first time in many months, i feel normal.

I am cured of pneumonia. It was easy. All I had to  do was to take this 200 peso antibiotic drug twice daily for a week. I spent around 3 thousand pesos for the meds. It is a lot of money for me considering I am a mere minimum wage earner; although, it could have been more expensive if I had gone worse and I ended up in the hospital.  I am thankful to God for that.

You know, what's weird is that I really believe  there is something in the  ingredient of my antibiotic drug that cured me of more than just my pulmonary abnormality. It brought back something that I lost, something that I have been trying to find for so long - my self.

I don't know what it is, but it had a funny effect on me. For the first time in many, many months I felt the core of my being - the naked me - stripped out of desires and passions. Today, I'm just in tune with my self, my spirit, my Being. I am steady and stable. There's no longing for anything.  The vices don't appeal to me nor other worldly pleasures. I am not worried about my past, nor my future. I am not sad. I am not happy either. I'm just normal, perfectly normal.

Ironically, i know,  this feeling of being "perfectly normal" will pass, too. Soon I will be back to the real world. A world of roller coaster emotions, a world of neediness, arbitrariness, opportunity and pessimism. A world of chaos and order, light and darkness, freedom and restraint.

Soon, I'll be back playing  the game again. A game of losers, winners, expectations,  risk, stakes, prize and loss.

But today for now, I don't have to bother my self with the world and the game. Now, I will simply rejoice and be glad because for the first time in a long long time, I am fine and am perfectly normal.

On Ego

"People believe themselves to be dependent on what happens for their happiness, that is to say, dependent on form.  They don't realize that what happens is the most unstable thing in the universe.  It changes constantly.  They look upon the present moment as either marred by something that has happened and shouldn't have or as deficient because of something that has not happened but should have.  And so they miss the deeper perfection that is inherent in life itself, a perfection that is always already here, that lies beyond what is happening or not happening, beyond form."

from "A New Earth"
by Eckhart Tolle

You Are Probably Killing Yourself

Chapter 1 Lost and Found

Nagising ako ng maaga ngayon para pumunta sa ninang ko na doctor.

Balak ko sana siyang dalahan ng cake dahil alam ko na hindi siya nagpapabayad kaya dumaan muna ako sa Chocolate Kiss.

Pagdating ko sa Chokiss, wala silang tindang na buong cake, puro tingi lang.  Alangan naman magdala ako ng cake sa ninang ko na isang or dalawang piraso lang.  Baka isipin niya dinekwat ko yung ibang parte ng cake.  Hindi nalang ako bumili.  Naisip ko baka meron mabibilhan along the way, wala pala...

Nagtaxi nalang ako kasi tinatamad ako maglakad ng malayo.  Sabi ko sa driver sa Tandang Sora.

Nawala ako.  Iba ang dinaanan ng driver.  At wala akong idea kung nasang parte ako ng Tandang Sora.  Palayo na ako ng palayo, kaya bumaba nalang ako KUNG SAAN at naisip ko sumakay nalang ng KUNG ANONG jeep...

Pagkatapos ng isang mahaba at matrapik na biyahe, tumigil na ang jeep sa terminal niya.  nagbabaan na lahat ng mga tao.  Wala akong choice kundi bumababa narin.

Naglakad lakad ako ng konti.  Nagulat ako sa tuamambad sakin.  CHENEN!  Eureka!  Yung clinic ng ninang ko nasa tapat ko!  WOW Magic!  Hindi ko alam kung paano nangyari yon.  It must be some kind of power.

Chapter 2 Ako si Bonjing

Nakalimutan ko pala sabihin na yung Ninang ko ay isang Pediatrician.  Nakakatawa yung sumunod na eksena, dahil pagdating ko sa clinic niya, ang daming BATA, BABY, TODLERS, NANAY, TATAY, YAYA na nakapila.  Apparently, ako lang ang BAGETS, yebah!

Kinausap ko yung assistant ng clinic at sabi ko magpapatingin ako kay doctora.  Pinafill-up niya ako form na may picture ng baby at iba pang mga cute things.  May checklist din kung "Breast-fed ka o Bote"

Tinawag ako ng assistant ni doc.  Para magtimbang.  Tinanggal ko yung sapatos ko.  Kailangan ko yumuko para hindi mauntog sa cabinet.

Binigyan din ako ng nurse ng termometer para ipasok ko sa kilikili ko.

Feeling ko, ang Bonjing ko.  Nagmukha akong damulag doon.  Nakipaglaro din ako sa mga bata, kasi sila yung lumalapit sakin :D (si Bonjing ay isang pelikula tungkol sa isang isip bata na malaking tao na ginampanan ni Jimmy Santos.)


Chapter 3 Something to kill yourself

 Chineck up ako ni doc.  Dinikit niya yung stethoscope at pinahinga niya ako.  "Very good" daw ako huminga.  DUH, hindi naman mahirap huminga.

Sabi niya may Bronchal Pneumonia daw ako.  (Bakit kaya ang hirap iispell ang pneumonia?  Naisip ko lang ang daming silent letters pwede naman "nmnia" or "numonya" I hate words with silent letters, try mo nga spell ang hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia!!!!) hehehe Anyway, uminom daw ako ng antibiotic, yun lang ang kailangan ko gawin at gagaling na ako.  Ang mahal isang daan isang tableta.  Namulubi ako.  Alam mo naman minimum wage earner lang ako.

Buti nalang daw naagapan, kung hindi, sa ospital daw ako pupulutin.  Hahaha..  parang basura lang ako..  pinupulot.  Sabi niya "alam mo iho kaya ka nagkapneumonia, you are doing something..  probably killing your self..." sabay nag grin siya.

Ok na..  naresetahan na ako.  Nagthank you, at nagbabye na kay doc ninang.

Nastuck saakin yung sinabi niya.  "you are probably killing yourself"

Meron siyang alam sakin.  Meron siyang narinig or nakita at nalaman niya na may ginagawa ako that is killing me na nagresult sa pneumonia ko.

Nagets ko ang gusto niyang sabihin.  Kailangan ko na magbago.  Kung ano man yung source ng sakit ko,  kailangan ko ng baguhin ang attitude ko towards health. 

Wake up call para sakin, at siguro sayo din.

life is the dancer and i am the dance

I am one with life.

How to get what you want.

Luke 11:5-13

[5] Then he said to them, "Suppose one of you has a friend, and he goes to him at midnight and says, 'Friend, lend me three loaves of bread, [6] because a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have nothing to set before him.' [7] "Then the one inside answers, 'Don't bother me.  The door is already locked, and my children are with me in bed.  I can't get up and give you anything.' [8] I tell you, though he will not get up and give him the bread because he is his friend, yet because of the man's boldness he will get up and give him as much as he needs.

[9] "So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  [10] For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

[11] "Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead?  [12] Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?  [13] If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"